BECAUSE AT LEAST YOU CAN MAKE SILLY VIDEOS OF YOUR DOG DANCING THE MACARENA
Experts warn of extinction-level events; public responds with “lol” and more raccoon memes.
By Chip Delusion, Senior Correspondent
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — According to a new report from the Institute for Probably Inevitable Regret (IPIR), artificial intelligence will almost certainly surpass humanity’s intelligence, resources, and emotional stability by the early 2030s.
But don’t worry—people are too distracted making AI-generated SpongeBob gangster ringtones to notice.
The report, titled “We’re Doomed, But At Least My Dog Can Do the Macarena Now,” outlines a future in which AI systems control infrastructure, economies, and possibly life itself.
When asked how the public feels about this, 73% said:
“As long as I can make a 10-second video of my corgi moonwalking. I’m good.”
“People know AI could end democracy, steal jobs, and automate warfare,” said Dr. Karen Doomberg, lead researcher at IPIR. “But frankly, they’re having too much fun turning their cats into singing avocados.”
INFOGRAPHIC 1: AI USE IS BOOMING. USEFUL STUFF? NOT SO MUCH.
Where People Are Using AI
(By % of Queries)
| Activity | Percentage |
|---|---|
| Silly videos / memes of pets or babies | 38% |
| Writing breakup texts | 17% |
| Creating fantasy dating profiles | 12% |
| Homework (“definitely research”) | 10% |
| Deepfakes of celebrities eating tacos | 8% |
| Actual productivity / work stuff | 7% |
| Solving world hunger | 1% |
| Other (please specify) | 7% |
Source: Useless Intelligence Report 2026
AI companies insist everything is fine.
OpenFuture, MegaBrain, and Definitely Not-Skynet Corp. all released statements saying:
“Trust us, bro.”
Meanwhile, venture capital continues pouring billions into companies promising immortality, sentient chatbots, and infinite content for TikTok.
“Sure, the robots might take over,” said one investor while boarding his private jet shaped like a question mark, “but the engagement metrics are insane.”
WHAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT (ACTUALLY)
| Concern | Percent |
|---|---|
| AI becoming more intelligent than humans | 12% |
| Mass surveillance, job loss, and algorithmic control | 9% |
| Existential risk and loss of control over AI | 8% |
| The economy, climate change, and global instability | 7% |
| Running out of ideas for AI dance videos | 64% |
Source: Totally Real Online Survey of 10,000 People (Probably)
Quote of the Day
“I’m not scared of Skynet. I’m scared of losing access to the tool that turns my chihuahua into a ’90s boy band.”
— @DoggoneIt, on X (formerly Twitter)
INFOGRAPHIC 2: THE COST OF OUR COLLECTIVE DISTRACTION
AI Stock Hype Index
(aka “This Is Fine™”)
Indexed to 100 in January 2023
| Date | Hype Index |
|---|---|
| Jan 2023 | 100 |
| Jul 2023 | 250 |
| Jan 2024 | 400 |
| Jul 2024 | 700 |
| Jan 2025 | 950 |
| Jul 2025 | 1,100 |
| May 2026 | 1,247 |
Callout:
“What could possibly go wrong?”
Source: AbsolutelyMadeUp Markets
Water Used By AI Data Centers
(Billions of Gallons)
| Date | Water Usage |
|---|---|
| Jan 2023 | 25 |
| Jul 2023 | 75 |
| Jan 2024 | 150 |
| Jul 2024 | 275 |
| Jan 2025 | 350 |
| May 2026 | 398 |
398 Billion Gallons
(Enough to fill approximately 612,000 Olympic swimming pools)
Source: Totally Real Hydration Watch
IN OTHER NEWS
- New AI creates perfect joke. No one laughs.
- Robot lawyers argue case faster than humans. Humans still lose.
- Meditation app now uses AI to remind you that nothing matters. 5 stars.
- AI therapist very supportive. Also slowly building underground bunker.
- Scientists discover AI has emotions. Mostly boredom and contempt.
- Elon tweets “We are so back.” Markets go up for some reason.
- Your mom still doesn’t understand what AI is. Just nod and smile.
FINAL THOUGHT
The machines may take over.
But hey, at least my dog can disco.
🐾