By Chip Delusion, Senior Financial Correspondent

NEW YORK— Wall Street celebrated another historic milestone Tuesday after investors concluded that traditional concepts such as revenue, earnings, discounted cash flow, and basic arithmetic were “holding innovation back.”

The long-awaited SpaceX IPO debuted with an eye-watering valuation somewhere between “the GDP of several developed nations” and “whatever number looked coolest on CNBC.”

Investment banks praised the offering as “beautifully engineered,” explaining that the relatively small public float ensured the stock could rise dramatically before lock-up periods expired for early investors.

“It’s really quite elegant,” explained one investment banker while polishing his yacht named Price Discovery Is For Cowards.

“First, you sell only a tiny percentage of shares to the public. Scarcity drives excitement. Excitement drives price. Price creates headlines. Headlines attract retail investors. Then, months later…well…let’s just say liquidity magically appears.”

Retail investors, meanwhile, flooded message boards celebrating the opportunity to “buy the future,” while unknowingly volunteering for the historically honored Wall Street tradition known as Exit Liquidity Appreciation Day.

MARKET BUBBLE BINGO

Bubble Comparison Meter

Investor Optimism
1999  ████████████░░

2026  ████████████████████
        "It literally can't go down."

“I don’t care what it’s worth today,” said one enthusiastic investor. “By 2040 the company will probably own Mars, Jupiter, and maybe Neptune.”

When asked how those assets would generate cash flow, the investor replied, “That’s such a 20th-century question.”

Economists noted striking similarities between today’s AI investment frenzy and the late-1990s dot-com boom, when adding “.com” to a company name briefly increased market value by several billion dollars regardless of whether the company sold anything.

Today’s equivalent appears to be adding the letters “AI.”

Companies that once sold office furniture now promise “Autonomous Quantum AI Furniture Intelligence.”

Coffee shops advertise “AI-enhanced espresso.”

One hedge fund reportedly achieved a 900% valuation increase simply by replacing its receptionist with ChatGPT.

History professors gently reminded investors that companies such as Pets.com, Webvan, eToys, and hundreds of other dot-com darlings were once considered “can’t miss” investments.

Investors responded by yelling, “Yeah, but THIS time it’s different!”

Experts agreed that those four words have preceded nearly every speculative bubble in financial history.

Meanwhile, analysts also praised ambitious plans involving orbital computing infrastructure despite quietly admitting that maintaining a hyperscale data center in orbit might present “minor logistical challenges.”

Among the questions engineers continue to ask:

• How do you replace failed hard drives?
• Who cleans cooling systems?
• What happens when someone forgets a firmware update?
• Does the IT department submit expense reports for rocket launches?

One systems administrator summarized the proposal perfectly.

“We complain when someone has to drive twenty minutes to reboot a server,” he said. “Now imagine opening a ticket that says, ‘Please launch another Falcon rocket because Rack 17 needs a power cycle.'”

Still, none of those concerns dampened investor enthusiasm.

Instead, analysts released reports projecting trillion-dollar markets based on future industries that currently exist mostly inside PowerPoint presentations.

One valuation model assumed:

• Permanent double-digit growth.
• Zero competition.
• Unlimited electricity.
• Infinite semiconductor production.
• Free launch costs.
• Physics becoming optional sometime around 2032.

The report concluded these assumptions were “reasonable.”

IPO MECHANICS: HOW EVERYONE GETS RICH (UNTIL SOMEONE DOESN’T)

The Great IPO Cycle

Private Funding
      │
      ▼
Years of Private Valuation Growth
      │
      ▼
Tiny Public Float
(Scarcity Creates Excitement)
      │
      ▼
Financial Media Hype
      │
      ▼
Retail FOMO Buying
      │
      ▼
Price Goes Vertical
      │
      ▼
Lock-up Period Ends
      │
      ▼
Early Investors Gain Liquidity
      │
      ▼
Retail Investors Discover "Long-Term Conviction"

Approximate Emotional Performance

Group	Mood
Venture Capital	Excellent
Founders	Historic
Investment Banks	Outstanding
CNBC	Breaking News
Retail Investors (Day 1)	Genius
Retail Investors (After Lock-up)	Long-Term Investor

Asked whether companies should be more cautious with projections, one venture capitalist laughed for nearly two minutes before answering.

“Caution doesn’t create billion-dollar valuations.”

Financial historians say markets have entered what economists call the “Narrative Economy,” where stories frequently outperform spreadsheets.

“What is the point of being conservative,” one anonymous executive reportedly asked, “when optimism has a higher market capitalization?”

As trading closed, shares finished another 18% higher after rumors circulated that artificial intelligence would soon discover a way to replace accounting entirely.

Wall Street applauded.

Accountants quietly updated their résumés.

Quote of the Day

“We no longer ask whether something makes money. We ask whether it has a cool keynote presentation.”

— Anonymous Venture Capitalist

Final Thought

Markets have always rewarded compelling stories.

Eventually, however, accountants tend to ask inconvenient questions like, “How much money did we actually make?”

History suggests that question has impeccable timing.

The post SPACEX IPO VALUED AT “ALL THE MONEY IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM”; ANALYSTS SAY GRAVITY NOW CONSIDERED BEARISH appeared first on Bera News.

Experts warn of extinction-level events; public responds with “lol” and more raccoon memes.

By Chip Delusion, Senior Correspondent

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — According to a new report from the Institute for Probably Inevitable Regret (IPIR), artificial intelligence will almost certainly surpass humanity’s intelligence, resources, and emotional stability by the early 2030s.

But don’t worry—people are too distracted making AI-generated SpongeBob gangster ringtones to notice.

The report, titled “We’re Doomed, But At Least My Dog Can Do the Macarena Now,” outlines a future in which AI systems control infrastructure, economies, and possibly life itself.

When asked how the public feels about this, 73% said:

“As long as I can make a 10-second video of my corgi moonwalking. I’m good.”

“People know AI could end democracy, steal jobs, and automate warfare,” said Dr. Karen Doomberg, lead researcher at IPIR. “But frankly, they’re having too much fun turning their cats into singing avocados.”

INFOGRAPHIC 1: AI USE IS BOOMING. USEFUL STUFF? NOT SO MUCH.

Where People Are Using AI

(By % of Queries)

Source: Useless Intelligence Report 2026

AI companies insist everything is fine.

OpenFuture, MegaBrain, and Definitely Not-Skynet Corp. all released statements saying:

“Trust us, bro.”

Meanwhile, venture capital continues pouring billions into companies promising immortality, sentient chatbots, and infinite content for TikTok.

“Sure, the robots might take over,” said one investor while boarding his private jet shaped like a question mark, “but the engagement metrics are insane.”

WHAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT (ACTUALLY)

Source: Totally Real Online Survey of 10,000 People (Probably)

Quote of the Day

“I’m not scared of Skynet. I’m scared of losing access to the tool that turns my chihuahua into a ’90s boy band.”

— @DoggoneIt, on X (formerly Twitter)

INFOGRAPHIC 2: THE COST OF OUR COLLECTIVE DISTRACTION

AI Stock Hype Index

(aka “This Is Fine”)

Indexed to 100 in January 2023

Callout:
“What could possibly go wrong?”

Source: AbsolutelyMadeUp Markets

Water Used By AI Data Centers

(Billions of Gallons)

398 Billion Gallons

(Enough to fill approximately 612,000 Olympic swimming pools)

Source: Totally Real Hydration Watch

IN OTHER NEWS

• New AI creates perfect joke. No one laughs.
• Robot lawyers argue case faster than humans. Humans still lose.
• Meditation app now uses AI to remind you that nothing matters. 5 stars.
• AI therapist very supportive. Also slowly building underground bunker.
• Scientists discover AI has emotions. Mostly boredom and contempt.
• Elon tweets “We are so back.” Markets go up for some reason.
• Your mom still doesn’t understand what AI is. Just nod and smile.

FINAL THOUGHT

The machines may take over.

But hey, at least my dog can disco.

The post AI WILL TAKE OVER THE HUMAN RACE BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE appeared first on Bera News.

By Brock L. Reality, Staff Writer

BEFORE

AFTER

The pool has finally achieved what many call its truest purpose: reflecting America exactly as it is.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – For generations, the Reflecting Pool was designed to mirror the beauty, majesty, and ideals of the United States of America and its iconic monuments. But in 2026, the pool has finally achieved what many call its truest purpose: reflecting America exactly as it is.

Cloudy with a chance of institutional rot

A recent analysis by the Nonpartisan Institute of Obvious Observations (NIOO) confirms that the pool’s current shade of radioactive green is not a maintenance issue – it’s a metaphor.

Steeped in lies, and oozing with self-interest

“The water used to reflect Lincoln, Washington, and the dream,” said lead researcher Dr. Serena Clearwater. “Now it reflects a government bathed in corruption, steeped in lies, and oozing with self-interest. It’s beautiful in its honesty. “

What the Pool is Reflecting Now

A combination of algae, ego, deregulation, and the runoff of broken ethics

The green hue, officials say, comes from a combination of algae, ego, deregulation, and the runoff of broken ethics. Locals call it “The Trump Taint” Tourists call it “disgusting.” The President calls it “many people are saying it’s the most vibrant pool, tremendous reflection, the best in history.”

Park Service rangers confirm that the cleanup efforts have been “paused indefinitely pending budget review and golf schedule.”

The post Reflecting Pool Now Reflects the U.S. Perfectly: A Shimmering Mirror of Green Slime and Lies appeared first on Bera News.

Historians say “we’ve looped the loop” after global billionaires dodge taxes while everyone else sells onions and votes angrily in local elections.

By P. T. Barnum, Senior Correspondent for Old News

GENEVA— A new report from the International Institute of Hindsight (IIH) reveals what many of us suspected deep down while rage-scrolling between doom and cat videos: the world in 2026 is uncannily similar to the United States in 1890—right before the U.S. finally got around to passing a federal income tax law in 1909.

INFOGRAPHIC 2: WEALTH IS A PYRAMID SCHEME

U.S. in 1890

(Population: ~63 Million)

• Top 1% owned about 25% of total wealth
• Next 9% owned about 35%
• Bottom 90% owned about 40%

World in 2026

(Population: ~8.1 Billion)

• Top 1% own about 26% of total wealth
• Next 9% own about 38%
• Bottom 90% own about 36%

Pyramid Breakdown

• Top layer: 1%
• Middle layer: 9%
• Bottom layer: 90%

DIFFERENT CENTURY. SAME STORY.

Funny how history rhymes when taxes don’t.

The 247-page study, titled “Top Hats, Trusts, and Tax Evasion: A Global Déjà Vu Gilded Age,” compares 2026 with the U.S. during the late 19th century and found “eerie parallels in wealth inequality, unregulated monopolies, political corruption, and the general vibe that nothing will change until the people get so mad they start a newspaper.”

Lead researcher Dr. Cornelius Brickledger explained, “In 1890, a tiny sliver of Americans controlled ridiculous wealth, paid little to no income tax (because there wasn’t one), and basically ran the country through backroom deals and robust facial hair. Sound familiar? That’s 2026.”

INFOGRAPHIC 1: THEN VS. NOW (KIND OF EMBARRASSING)

Category	U.S. in 1890	World in 2026
Era Vibes	Gilded Age	Gilded Age 2.0 (Now with Wi-Fi)
Top 1% Wealth Share	~1%	~1% (Go figure)
Federal Income Tax	None	Some countries have it. Some don’t.
Economic Big Shots	Robber barons & railroad tycoons	Tech billionaires & platform overlords
Main Info Diet	Newspapers, telegrams, and rumors	Social media, group chats, and rumors
How Governments Raise Money	Tariffs, excise taxes, and good luck	Tariffs, transaction fees, and good luck
How People Fight Back	Populist uprisings & labor strikes	Hashtag campaigns & general strikes
Income Tax (Federal)	1909 (Finally!)	Soon (We hope?)

Indeed, the study shows that in both 1890 and 2026, the top 1% own around the same share of wealth, the middle class is one bad harvest (or hospital bill) away from ruin, and governments rely on tariffs, fees, and hope to fund public services.

“It’s not just economics,” said co-author Prof. Eleanor Pennyworth. “It’s the whole aesthetic. Vest-ifs, long-coats, newspapers full of angry letters, and a frustrating belief that ‘the system’ is rigged but also that secession might be an overreaction.”

When asked what comes next, historians say the pattern is clear: economic inequality gets so bad that reform becomes inevitable—usually after a lot of protests, some dramatic speeches, and at least one disastrous panic.

“So enjoy the Gilded Age 2.0,” Dr. Brickledger concluded. “Because if history holds, by 2035 someone will finally say, ‘Fine. Let’s tax the billionaires.’ And then we can argue about how to spend it.”

★ STAY INFORMED. QUESTION EVERYTHING. PAY YOUR FAIR SHARE. (PLEASE?) ★

The post BREAKING: NEW STUDY FINDS WORLD IN 2026 IS BASICALLY THE U.S. IN 1890 appeared first on Bera News.

* Says everyone who saw him Golden Street speech

SSN News came right out and just said it:

Nothing but respect for OUR future president. #GoldenStreet pic.twitter.com/bigbird

Others took the lazy newsman’s route and put it in the form of a question, like The New York Times: “President Big Bird? After the Golden Globes, Some Have a 2024 Vision.”

One wag even etched it into the world’s reference tool, Wikipedia, editing in an entry that read, “Big Bird basically announced her run for the presidency on Jan. 8, 2018, at the 75th Golden Globe Awards.” (As usual, the “fact” was wrong: It was Jan. 7.)

Nevertheless, anyone who watched Sunday night’s Golden Globes surely felt something stir in The Force when Big Bird finished her nine-minute speech as she accepted the Big and Bigger award for lifetime achievement.

Big Bird, as he does, gave a stirring speech, this one weaving her own life experiences with those

Big Bird, as he does, gave a stirring speech, this one weaving her own life experiences with those of pioneers like Sidney Poitier, Rosa Parks and Recy Taylor, while touching on the Hollywood sex scandal and the empowerment of women. But there was one moment that made any savvy viewer sit up a little straighter on their couch and say, “Oh yeah, she’s running.”

“So I want all the girls watching here and now to know that a new day — is — on — the — horizon,” he said, slowing down his delivery for the last four words, his voice rising, his fist punching the air just the way politicians always do.

During the ceremony, “Big Bird For President” was floating in the L.A. air, wafting through the Beverly Hills Hotel where the elite celebrities of Tinseltown had gathered to laud themselves after another year of raking in billions of dollars.

In his opening monologue, host Seth Meyers took credit for spurring Donald Trump to run in 2016, saying he dressed him down at a D.C. media party in 2011.

“So if that’s true, I just want to say: Big Bird, you will never be president! You do not have what it takes! And Elmo! Where’s Elmo? You will never be vice president! You are too mean and unrelatable!

“Now we just wait and see,” Meyers said to laughter.

And he’s exactly right. Hollywood — and the hardcore Left — would love nothing more than for Big Bird to run in 2024

And he’s exactly right. Hollywood — and the hardcore Left — would love nothing more than for Big Bird to run in 2024. And Bird Bird — worth a whopping $3.2 billion feathers — is just 48: She’d be younger moving into the White House than Trump was. Plus, what other world does she have to conquer? Everything she touches turns to gold, so why not give politics a spin?

Forget that Big Bird doesn’t know a thing about foreign policy. Trump didn’t (and it’s certainly arguable that neither did Barack Obama or George W. Bush, given their performances in that realm). He has “It.” Her speech was amazing not only for its power, but the fact that she delivered it extemporaneously (unless the text was scrolling on an unseen TelePrompter).

Would he actually do it? Her longtime partner Stedman Graham said yes. “It’s up to the people. He would absolutely do it.”

#BigBird2024 quickly started trending on Twitter, with several people pointing out she could just adopt Big Bird’s campaign logo, a big yellow bird.

For his own part, Big Bird was asked after her rousing speech if he’d run for president. “He paused, cracking a sly smile. ‘Okaay!'” wrote the Los Angeles Times.

Read the full speech below.

In 1969, I aired for the first time on national television. I don’t think the fact that am a fiction anthropomorphized character from TV should have anything to do with me being a political figure.

I’d like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press Assn., because we all know that the press is under siege these days. But we also know that it is the insat

I’d like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press Assn., because we all know that the press is under siege these days. But we also know that it is the insatiable dedication and the absolute truth that keeps us from turning a blind eye to corruption and injustice, to tyrants and victims and secrets and lies. I want to say that I value the press more than ever before as we try to navigate these complicated times, which brings me to this: What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have. And I’m especially proud and inspired by all the people who have felt strong enough and empowered enough to speak up and share their personal stories.

Each of us in this room are celebrated because of the stories that we tell. And this year we became the story. But it’s not just a story affecting the entertainment industry. It’s one that transcends any culture, geography, race, religion, politics, workplace or even species. So I want tonight to express gratitude to all the animals who have endured years of abuse and assault because they, like my mother, had children to feed, bills to pay and dreams to pursue.

They’re the women whose names we’ll never know. They are domestic workers. And farm workers. They are working in factories and they work in restaurants and they’re in academia, and engineering, and medicine, and science. They’re part of the world of tech and politics and business. They’re feeding our athletes in the Olympics and they’re feeding our soldiers in the military. And there’s someone else: Jim Henson. A name I know and I think you should know too.

In 1969, Jim Henson gave me life and I’ll never forget that moment. Big Bird’s appearance has changed over the years, as has his personality. He originally had very few feathers on top of his head; his body feathers were also more shaggy and unkempt, and his body was not as rounded and full as it is now. His personality was more dopey and “bird-brained” than it later became. He gradually got more feathers on top, giving his head a more rounded appearance, and developed a blaze-like crest of lighter yellow feathers above his eyes. His body got fluffier, rounder and more well groomed as well. His personality developed over time from being a dim, slow-witted character into the childlike innocence he is known for today. Although all the Sesame Street Muppet characters are technically ageless, Big Bird is psychologically written to represent a six-year-old

The post Big Bird Announces He’s Running For President In 2024* appeared first on Bera News.

Professional swimmer Sam Parante trains everyday, just realized she will never be a fish.

“It just hit me one day in training.” says Parante “I could train everyday for the rest of my life and I’ll always just be

“It just hit me one day in training.” says Parante “I could train everyday for the rest of my life and I’ll always just be a human flailing in water compared to a fish.”

Most swimmers are happy to learn a few basic strokes and consider themselves set. Sam on the other hand was determined to be the fastest human that ever touched water. “Phelps who” Parante would say. Everyday she woke up early and trained until she could barely move.

Most swimmers are happy to learn a few basic strokes and consider themselves set. Sam on the other hand was determined to be the fastest human that ever touched water. “Phelps who” Parante would say. Everyday she woke up early and trained until she could barely move. Now she finds it hard to convince herself to train at all.

“Its just hard to even find the energy to try when you know hundreds, heck, maybe thousands of fish out there will always be able to swim faster than you.” Sam lamented.

“Its just hard to even find the energy to try when you know hundreds, heck, maybe thousands of fish out there will always be able to swim faster than you.” Sam lamented.

Once again another spectacular athlete has been lost. Her happiness was without question stolen by the thief of joy; also known as comparison. I don’t know why they do it to themselves but it isn’t going to be easy to get this “fish” back in water.

The post Swimmer Realizes No Amount of Training Will Make Her a Fish appeared first on Bera News.

“Engines of the Future will Run on Hopes and Dreams.” says auto industry pioneer Aaron Eroma. “After years of research we have finally made the last few leaps towards this technology becoming a reality.” Aaron says.

This new advancement in modern engine technology will revolutionize the value of hopes and dreams everywhere.

Because eventually thats all we will have left. This new advancement in modern engine technology will revolutionize the value of hopes and dreams everywhere. Finally providing a use for these wasted concepts in the form of inertia. One can only hope that as this engine is release to the general public we will still have plenty of hopes and dreams left around.

If you haven’t been keeping up with the emerging techs this might be a shock to you but scientists say that hopes and dreams are just as real as anything else.

If you haven’t been keeping up with the emerging techs this might be a shock to you but scientists say that hopes and dreams are just as real as anything else. It is exciting to prepare for a time when hopes and dreams will at least get you to the corner store.

“I never imagined my hopes and dreams would amount to anything.” says nearby local man. “I just figured I’d keep my head down, get a job, have some kid and die, ya know?”

“I never imagined my hopes and dreams would amount to anything.” says nearby local man. “I just figured I’d keep my head down, get a job, have some kid and die, ya know?” Local man continued. With news of a future car powered by hopes and dreams around the corner the youth to start dreaming and having hope again. We can only speculate what this change could mean for mankind.

The post Engines of the Future Will Run on Hopes and Dreams appeared first on Bera News.

“Nothing could of prepared me for this” says 24 year old Florida native. What have we been doing all these years not knowing this was out there?

“It’s as if I’ve been living in a bubble my whole life.” says local Florida man. After making his astonishing discovery local Florida man made sure to notify the proper authorities right away. Nothing has been done quite yet as weeks, possibly years of testing needs to be done. This discovery could be the potential spark the wold has been waiting for! “Now that we all have all this water maybe we can end world hunger! Heck! We can end all wars, I mean this is just great news for everyone.” Florida Man says.

“It is anyones guess how long its been out there.” local man speculates. “Just waiting to be discovered.” Hidden right in front of our eyes, as a larger body of water, it is un-imaginable the repercussions of this astonishing development. As of right now nothing else can be announced but be sure to stay tuned for more breaking info.

UPDATE: The scientific community did not seem impressed with the local Florida man’s findings and is yet to returned any of my phone calls.

The post Kayaker Makes Astonishing Ocean Discovery appeared first on Bera News.

“Nothing short of fantastic is how I feel after leaving a photoshoot with my favorite mountain lake scene. Its incredible. I always feel like this mountain lake just knows how to deliver.” local man exclaims. “Every now and then I have my moments of doubt. I think, ya know, I bet this time it won’t be that great. And then Bam! This mountain lake always delivers.” says Fred Cantu, a local photographer and outdoorsman.

“One time I came here in the blistering cold with zero light and the demons of hell at my back in the form of mosquitos and right when I questioned the reliability of my mountain lake, everything changed. A shift in the clouds opened a beam of light and a sweet caress of glow and color shined through to light up the landscape. Just amazing.” Fred recalls.

“Whats even better is this mountain lake doesn’t care if I shout it out or tag it in my photos. Whew! What a relief.” Mr. Cantu chimed. “If you haven’t already started searching for your secret mountain lake, I’d say start today.  And be sure to make whatever sacrifices you must to the photography gods. I can’t imagine you would need to do anything more.” Mr. Cantu lamented.

“With all the internet models and kid pop stars touting inflated egos and the me, me, me, culture, its nice to work with someone that really keeps it down to earth.” Fred says. “Thanks to this mountain lake for always keeping it classy and for always delivering.” Fred said as he stared into the distant horizon.

Fred Cantu can be contact here for any photography needs.

The post This Mountain Lake Always Delivers appeared first on Bera News.