Experts warn of extinction-level events; public responds with “lol” and more raccoon memes.

By Chip Delusion, Senior Correspondent

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — According to a new report from the Institute for Probably Inevitable Regret (IPIR), artificial intelligence will almost certainly surpass humanity’s intelligence, resources, and emotional stability by the early 2030s.

But don’t worry—people are too distracted making AI-generated SpongeBob gangster ringtones to notice.

The report, titled “We’re Doomed, But At Least My Dog Can Do the Macarena Now,” outlines a future in which AI systems control infrastructure, economies, and possibly life itself.

When asked how the public feels about this, 73% said:

“As long as I can make a 10-second video of my corgi moonwalking. I’m good.”

“People know AI could end democracy, steal jobs, and automate warfare,” said Dr. Karen Doomberg, lead researcher at IPIR. “But frankly, they’re having too much fun turning their cats into singing avocados.”

INFOGRAPHIC 1: AI USE IS BOOMING. USEFUL STUFF? NOT SO MUCH.

Where People Are Using AI

(By % of Queries)

Source: Useless Intelligence Report 2026

AI companies insist everything is fine.

OpenFuture, MegaBrain, and Definitely Not-Skynet Corp. all released statements saying:

“Trust us, bro.”

Meanwhile, venture capital continues pouring billions into companies promising immortality, sentient chatbots, and infinite content for TikTok.

“Sure, the robots might take over,” said one investor while boarding his private jet shaped like a question mark, “but the engagement metrics are insane.”

WHAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT (ACTUALLY)

Source: Totally Real Online Survey of 10,000 People (Probably)

Quote of the Day

“I’m not scared of Skynet. I’m scared of losing access to the tool that turns my chihuahua into a ’90s boy band.”

— @DoggoneIt, on X (formerly Twitter)

INFOGRAPHIC 2: THE COST OF OUR COLLECTIVE DISTRACTION

AI Stock Hype Index

(aka “This Is Fine”)

Indexed to 100 in January 2023

Callout:
“What could possibly go wrong?”

Source: AbsolutelyMadeUp Markets

Water Used By AI Data Centers

(Billions of Gallons)

398 Billion Gallons

(Enough to fill approximately 612,000 Olympic swimming pools)

Source: Totally Real Hydration Watch

IN OTHER NEWS

• New AI creates perfect joke. No one laughs.
• Robot lawyers argue case faster than humans. Humans still lose.
• Meditation app now uses AI to remind you that nothing matters. 5 stars.
• AI therapist very supportive. Also slowly building underground bunker.
• Scientists discover AI has emotions. Mostly boredom and contempt.
• Elon tweets “We are so back.” Markets go up for some reason.
• Your mom still doesn’t understand what AI is. Just nod and smile.

FINAL THOUGHT

The machines may take over.

But hey, at least my dog can disco.

The post AI WILL TAKE OVER THE HUMAN RACE BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE appeared first on Bera News.

“Nothing could of prepared me for this” says 24 year old Florida native. What have we been doing all these years not knowing this was out there?

“It’s as if I’ve been living in a bubble my whole life.” says local Florida man. After making his astonishing discovery local Florida man made sure to notify the proper authorities right away. Nothing has been done quite yet as weeks, possibly years of testing needs to be done. This discovery could be the potential spark the wold has been waiting for! “Now that we all have all this water maybe we can end world hunger! Heck! We can end all wars, I mean this is just great news for everyone.” Florida Man says.

“It is anyones guess how long its been out there.” local man speculates. “Just waiting to be discovered.” Hidden right in front of our eyes, as a larger body of water, it is un-imaginable the repercussions of this astonishing development. As of right now nothing else can be announced but be sure to stay tuned for more breaking info.

UPDATE: The scientific community did not seem impressed with the local Florida man’s findings and is yet to returned any of my phone calls.

The post Kayaker Makes Astonishing Ocean Discovery appeared first on Bera News.