By Chip Delusion, Senior Financial Correspondent

NEW YORK— Wall Street celebrated another historic milestone Tuesday after investors concluded that traditional concepts such as revenue, earnings, discounted cash flow, and basic arithmetic were “holding innovation back.”

The long-awaited SpaceX IPO debuted with an eye-watering valuation somewhere between “the GDP of several developed nations” and “whatever number looked coolest on CNBC.”

Investment banks praised the offering as “beautifully engineered,” explaining that the relatively small public float ensured the stock could rise dramatically before lock-up periods expired for early investors.

“It’s really quite elegant,” explained one investment banker while polishing his yacht named Price Discovery Is For Cowards.

“First, you sell only a tiny percentage of shares to the public. Scarcity drives excitement. Excitement drives price. Price creates headlines. Headlines attract retail investors. Then, months later…well…let’s just say liquidity magically appears.”

Retail investors, meanwhile, flooded message boards celebrating the opportunity to “buy the future,” while unknowingly volunteering for the historically honored Wall Street tradition known as Exit Liquidity Appreciation Day.

MARKET BUBBLE BINGO

Bubble Comparison Meter

Investor Optimism
1999  ████████████░░

2026  ████████████████████
        "It literally can't go down."

“I don’t care what it’s worth today,” said one enthusiastic investor. “By 2040 the company will probably own Mars, Jupiter, and maybe Neptune.”

When asked how those assets would generate cash flow, the investor replied, “That’s such a 20th-century question.”

Economists noted striking similarities between today’s AI investment frenzy and the late-1990s dot-com boom, when adding “.com” to a company name briefly increased market value by several billion dollars regardless of whether the company sold anything.

Today’s equivalent appears to be adding the letters “AI.”

Companies that once sold office furniture now promise “Autonomous Quantum AI Furniture Intelligence.”

Coffee shops advertise “AI-enhanced espresso.”

One hedge fund reportedly achieved a 900% valuation increase simply by replacing its receptionist with ChatGPT.

History professors gently reminded investors that companies such as Pets.com, Webvan, eToys, and hundreds of other dot-com darlings were once considered “can’t miss” investments.

Investors responded by yelling, “Yeah, but THIS time it’s different!”

Experts agreed that those four words have preceded nearly every speculative bubble in financial history.

Meanwhile, analysts also praised ambitious plans involving orbital computing infrastructure despite quietly admitting that maintaining a hyperscale data center in orbit might present “minor logistical challenges.”

Among the questions engineers continue to ask:

• How do you replace failed hard drives?
• Who cleans cooling systems?
• What happens when someone forgets a firmware update?
• Does the IT department submit expense reports for rocket launches?

One systems administrator summarized the proposal perfectly.

“We complain when someone has to drive twenty minutes to reboot a server,” he said. “Now imagine opening a ticket that says, ‘Please launch another Falcon rocket because Rack 17 needs a power cycle.'”

Still, none of those concerns dampened investor enthusiasm.

Instead, analysts released reports projecting trillion-dollar markets based on future industries that currently exist mostly inside PowerPoint presentations.

One valuation model assumed:

• Permanent double-digit growth.
• Zero competition.
• Unlimited electricity.
• Infinite semiconductor production.
• Free launch costs.
• Physics becoming optional sometime around 2032.

The report concluded these assumptions were “reasonable.”

IPO MECHANICS: HOW EVERYONE GETS RICH (UNTIL SOMEONE DOESN’T)

The Great IPO Cycle

Private Funding
      │
      ▼
Years of Private Valuation Growth
      │
      ▼
Tiny Public Float
(Scarcity Creates Excitement)
      │
      ▼
Financial Media Hype
      │
      ▼
Retail FOMO Buying
      │
      ▼
Price Goes Vertical
      │
      ▼
Lock-up Period Ends
      │
      ▼
Early Investors Gain Liquidity
      │
      ▼
Retail Investors Discover "Long-Term Conviction"

Approximate Emotional Performance

Group	Mood
Venture Capital	Excellent
Founders	Historic
Investment Banks	Outstanding
CNBC	Breaking News
Retail Investors (Day 1)	Genius
Retail Investors (After Lock-up)	Long-Term Investor

Asked whether companies should be more cautious with projections, one venture capitalist laughed for nearly two minutes before answering.

“Caution doesn’t create billion-dollar valuations.”

Financial historians say markets have entered what economists call the “Narrative Economy,” where stories frequently outperform spreadsheets.

“What is the point of being conservative,” one anonymous executive reportedly asked, “when optimism has a higher market capitalization?”

As trading closed, shares finished another 18% higher after rumors circulated that artificial intelligence would soon discover a way to replace accounting entirely.

Wall Street applauded.

Accountants quietly updated their résumés.

Quote of the Day

“We no longer ask whether something makes money. We ask whether it has a cool keynote presentation.”

— Anonymous Venture Capitalist

Final Thought

Markets have always rewarded compelling stories.

Eventually, however, accountants tend to ask inconvenient questions like, “How much money did we actually make?”

History suggests that question has impeccable timing.

The post SPACEX IPO VALUED AT “ALL THE MONEY IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM”; ANALYSTS SAY GRAVITY NOW CONSIDERED BEARISH appeared first on Bera News.

Experts warn of extinction-level events; public responds with “lol” and more raccoon memes.

By Chip Delusion, Senior Correspondent

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — According to a new report from the Institute for Probably Inevitable Regret (IPIR), artificial intelligence will almost certainly surpass humanity’s intelligence, resources, and emotional stability by the early 2030s.

But don’t worry—people are too distracted making AI-generated SpongeBob gangster ringtones to notice.

The report, titled “We’re Doomed, But At Least My Dog Can Do the Macarena Now,” outlines a future in which AI systems control infrastructure, economies, and possibly life itself.

When asked how the public feels about this, 73% said:

“As long as I can make a 10-second video of my corgi moonwalking. I’m good.”

“People know AI could end democracy, steal jobs, and automate warfare,” said Dr. Karen Doomberg, lead researcher at IPIR. “But frankly, they’re having too much fun turning their cats into singing avocados.”

INFOGRAPHIC 1: AI USE IS BOOMING. USEFUL STUFF? NOT SO MUCH.

Where People Are Using AI

(By % of Queries)

Source: Useless Intelligence Report 2026

AI companies insist everything is fine.

OpenFuture, MegaBrain, and Definitely Not-Skynet Corp. all released statements saying:

“Trust us, bro.”

Meanwhile, venture capital continues pouring billions into companies promising immortality, sentient chatbots, and infinite content for TikTok.

“Sure, the robots might take over,” said one investor while boarding his private jet shaped like a question mark, “but the engagement metrics are insane.”

WHAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT (ACTUALLY)

Source: Totally Real Online Survey of 10,000 People (Probably)

Quote of the Day

“I’m not scared of Skynet. I’m scared of losing access to the tool that turns my chihuahua into a ’90s boy band.”

— @DoggoneIt, on X (formerly Twitter)

INFOGRAPHIC 2: THE COST OF OUR COLLECTIVE DISTRACTION

AI Stock Hype Index

(aka “This Is Fine”)

Indexed to 100 in January 2023

Callout:
“What could possibly go wrong?”

Source: AbsolutelyMadeUp Markets

Water Used By AI Data Centers

(Billions of Gallons)

398 Billion Gallons

(Enough to fill approximately 612,000 Olympic swimming pools)

Source: Totally Real Hydration Watch

IN OTHER NEWS

• New AI creates perfect joke. No one laughs.
• Robot lawyers argue case faster than humans. Humans still lose.
• Meditation app now uses AI to remind you that nothing matters. 5 stars.
• AI therapist very supportive. Also slowly building underground bunker.
• Scientists discover AI has emotions. Mostly boredom and contempt.
• Elon tweets “We are so back.” Markets go up for some reason.
• Your mom still doesn’t understand what AI is. Just nod and smile.

FINAL THOUGHT

The machines may take over.

But hey, at least my dog can disco.

The post AI WILL TAKE OVER THE HUMAN RACE BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE appeared first on Bera News.

“Engines of the Future will Run on Hopes and Dreams.” says auto industry pioneer Aaron Eroma. “After years of research we have finally made the last few leaps towards this technology becoming a reality.” Aaron says.

This new advancement in modern engine technology will revolutionize the value of hopes and dreams everywhere.

Because eventually thats all we will have left. This new advancement in modern engine technology will revolutionize the value of hopes and dreams everywhere. Finally providing a use for these wasted concepts in the form of inertia. One can only hope that as this engine is release to the general public we will still have plenty of hopes and dreams left around.

If you haven’t been keeping up with the emerging techs this might be a shock to you but scientists say that hopes and dreams are just as real as anything else.

If you haven’t been keeping up with the emerging techs this might be a shock to you but scientists say that hopes and dreams are just as real as anything else. It is exciting to prepare for a time when hopes and dreams will at least get you to the corner store.

“I never imagined my hopes and dreams would amount to anything.” says nearby local man. “I just figured I’d keep my head down, get a job, have some kid and die, ya know?”

“I never imagined my hopes and dreams would amount to anything.” says nearby local man. “I just figured I’d keep my head down, get a job, have some kid and die, ya know?” Local man continued. With news of a future car powered by hopes and dreams around the corner the youth to start dreaming and having hope again. We can only speculate what this change could mean for mankind.

The post Engines of the Future Will Run on Hopes and Dreams appeared first on Bera News.